Conflict doesn't Hurt

Anyone who has been married for any length of time knows that the idea of "living happily ever after without conflict" when being married just does not reflect the reality. Conflict is part of every marriage. The challenge is to learn how to use conflict to help us grow, both as individuals and as partners in marriage.

Mr. Lee, an Assistant Accountant, found himself not being able to focus at his work and often made unnecessary mistakes. He tended to stay late in the office and was reluctant to return home. Mr. Lee, who had been married for over four years, found his relationship with his wife deteriorating. The couple frequently got into fights over parenting issue, money management as well as household chore responsibility. In addition, the poor in-law relationship inevitably put Mr. Lee on the spot. As disagreements often ended up in yelling and screaming at each other, Mr. Lee was becoming exhausted both emotionally and mentally. Ultimately, he adopted an attitude of avoidance by staying behind at the office instead of returning home.

Mr. Lee was in a miserable state because he felt stuck with his situation yet he was reluctant to let the situation drag on forever. He still loved his wife and the family but he didn't know how to get the relationship problem resolved and settled once and for all.

No two people view things in exactly the same way. The most common source of conflict in marriage comes when both partners are unable to clearly express what they mean, feel and intend, and to effectively listen to what their partner is saying. Most conflict situations can be resolved through a mutual desire to find common ground, along with some negotiation skills. A win-win outcome that leaves both parties feeling satisfied is the best solution. There are four basic steps to arriving at this outcome:

• Clarifying the issue or problem.
  You can do this by asking questions such as. "What do I need?" "What do you need?" "What am I feeling and why?" What is the real issue ? "
  
  
• Exploring the options.
  One valuable way of doing this is brainstorming. When you brainstorm, you make a list of all the possible options you can think of. You then can arrive at a consensus as to which option will work the best.
  
  
• Putting the decision into action.
  After you decide which course of action to take, the next move is to put it into practice, to test it out to see if it works.
  
  
• Evaluating.
  Once you have had a chance to see how your decision works in practice, you can ask yourself such questions as: "Is it working?" "How do I feel?" "How do you feel?" "What needs to be changed?" If it's not working, you need to re-clarify the issue or go back to do some more brainstorming.

Conflict is not only inevitable in a marriage, it is necessary. The bottom line in dealing with conflict in marriage is being committed to a relationship where love and companionship are cherished and allowed to grow.